What’s done in the dark will come to light

The night I found out about my fiance’s affair was a night I felt would last forever.  In fact, the entire day seemed like a dream.  A dream I wanted to wake up from and realize it was only a nightmare and none of this was really happening.  But I couldn’t hide from the reality of the situation. 

The day started off like any other typical day.  It was a Thursday, and I was excited for the weekend to begin because we normally spent the weekends together as a family.   As usual, my fiancé woke up earlier than I did and went to “work”.  While I was at work he called as he was driving home.  A police officer saw him on the cell phone so he told me he had to go but would call me back.  He did call back to tell me that they were arresting him.  Apparently, he had unpaid parking tickets dating back to when he was married, which was several years before we met.  His license had been suspended and therefore they had to take him to jail.  He told me where he parked the car so that my mom could go downtown and pick up the keys from him and take the car home.  Most women would be worried if their significant other was arrested but I wasn’t.  This wasn’t the first time he had been caught and arrested for driving with a suspended license.  I was actually really irritated that it was happening again and contemplated whether this was the type of relationship I wanted to be in.  We were having so many issues lately and I had reached my limit.  I called my mom, told her what had happened and she went down to the precinct, to get the car keys from him and bring the car home.

What happened next actually made me wonder “what was he thinking?”  This man, who was having a secret relationship with another woman and used his cell to communicate with her, voluntarily handed my mom all the evidence I needed.  For months prior to this incident, he was having nightmares and would wake up, hug me, tell me he loved me and he would never leave me.  At the time, I thought it was just moments of tenderness and affection from him however, in all honesty I believe it was his guilt over the entire situation.  It takes a lot of energy to keep two separate relationships going simultaneously without exposing the deceit to your family and the one you love.  The other woman may have begun to demand he end our relationship, which he was not willing to do, and the pressure was getting to him.  All of this was pure speculation, however I do believe this was what was going on between them at that time. 

My mother called to tell me she had picked up the car along with his cell phone.  My initial reaction was relief.  Now I could finally get the answers I had craved for so long.  The phone held all the proof that I needed to confirm my suspicions.  I was ready to know the truth.   I asked my mom to leave his cell phone in my room and immediately ran home from work.  She knew I had suspected him of having an affair and did as I asked.  As soon as I got home I went straight to my room, grabbed the cell phone and braced myself.  My heart was racing, I knew deep down that I was going to see something I didn’t like.  I hoped and prayed that I was wrong while still preparing myself for the worst.  I opened up the phone and quickly scanned through the text messages.  My hands were shaking as I opened each text.  Finally, I found one under a woman’s name (she will remain nameless), I took a deep breath and started reading it.  This is the message I read:  “I can’t get you off my mind, call me when you can, I love you so much.  XOXO.”  I felt like throwing up, it was worse than I thought.  What hurt the most was reading the words “I love you so much”.  This wasn’t just a one night stand or a simple flirtation.  She loved him, there were emotions involved.  I knew that he had heard her say these words to him and wondered if he had said them back. 

So many things raced through my mind.  Do I call her?  Do I really want to hear her voice?  Did she know about me?  Did she know about our son?  So I decided to text her back from his phone.  I didn’t know why I was prolonging the inevitable or why I pretended to be him.  I have no idea what I had hoped to accomplish by sending her that text.  My text was a vague response that read “oh, so you can’t get me off your mind?”  Perhaps I wanted to know how much information she knew.  She wrote back “where are you?”, and I responded back with “I had to do family stuff”.  All of a sudden the phone rang and it was her.  I didn’t think it was possible but my heart was beating even faster.  This was the moment I would get all my answers. 

I ran to the privacy of my bathroom, opened the phone and replied “so you love my fiancé so much, huh?”

Jezika 🙂

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Where to go from here

There I was, holding my 9 month old son, and I just found out my world was forever changed.  My fiancé had betrayed me in the worst possible way. 

My mind was jumping all over the place, wondering what I was going to do.  It’s funny because the minute I found out he was cheating, I didn’t get angry, I didn’t cry, it was just pure vindication for me.  All I could say was “ha, I knew it!”  And that’s exactly what I said to him.  All the times he said it wasn’t true, all the times he tried to turn the situation around on me and say I was seeing things that weren’t there and all the times he didn’t answer his phone I just felt it in my core that he was up to no good.  Now I knew the truth.

I was cold and mean at first.  I told him it was over and that I wanted him to leave.  Stabbing him with my words by letting him know he just gave me an open door to be with someone else and calling him all sorts of cruel names.  The more I spoke with him the deeper my anger got.   I was so stressed with raising our son, almost all by myself, that I was nearly falling over with exhaustion from the sleepless nights.  It infuriated me to know that while I was going through all of this, he was out enjoying his life as if he was single and didn’t have a care in the world. 

I immediately removed the ring from my finger.  To me, that ring had meant something.  It was a promise to be married; his commitment to me and our family.  In my mind, it obviously didn’t mean anything to him, so why should it now mean anything to me?

His initial reaction to me finding out was shock followed by the realization that he had just ruined the best thing he ever had.  He pleaded with me to give him another chance.  He told me he had made a mistake and he had never loved her.  He wanted his family and he would do whatever it took to keep it.  He begged me to put the ring back on, but I refused.  Why should I oblige his wishes when it was clear I was an afterthought to him during his affair?  He asked if we could go to counseling, something he had always resisted when I suggested it in the past when we needed help, thinking we were just having communication issues.  Turns out, it was far worse than I had ever imagined.  If we were only having problems communicating, then I wouldn’t be going through the most excruciating mental anguish I was at that very moment.

The saddest part about the entire thing was that no matter how angry I was at him, there was still that part of me that loved him.  As much as I wanted to be tough and tune him out, I could still feel myself wanting to hear what he had to say.

That night seemed like the longest night in my life and it was far from over.

Jezika 🙂

How my life changed

August 21, 2008, that’s the day my life changed.  How did it change?  Well, that’s the day I discovered my fiancé was having an affair.

My life has been filled with failed relationships, starting with the one I had with my non-existent father.  Let’s just say trust has never been my strong suit.  However, I trusted my fiancé.  I mean, to me he was a  man so I only trusted him so much. Enough to have a child with him and to know I wanted to spend my life with him. But in my mind it was only a matter of time before he hurt me like every other man in my life has.  Still, I was shell-shocked.  I think what surprised me more than the fact that he had this affair, was the duration of the affair. 

I was always one of those women who said “if my man cheats on me, he’s done”. However, when it actually happened, I didn’t know what to do.  I think I could’ve tolerated a one night stand or even if he had non-emotional sex with someone, but this was an emotional and physical affair.  I think that’s what hurt me the most.  When I found out about the affair I wasn’t shocked only because I felt that something was up from the moment his affair began.

He was disconnected from me, he was getting dressed up often, he would work really late hours, he wanted to go out with his friends all the time, he would be MIA and not answer his phone.  I think I know all the signs by now.  I just had no way of proving it.  His phone was often wiped out, no text messages were left to read, no incoming and outgoing calls were shown, he even had his phone on silent all the time and turned it off at night.  I’m not a stupid woman, I knew what was going on.  I knew at some point I would catch him in his lies; it was only a matter of time. 

Part of me wanted to know for certain so I wouldn’t feel like I was crazy. He did a very good job of trying to convince me I was.  Then there was the other part of me that was scared to find out.  Afraid of my life being turned upside down, of losing the man I had loved for so long, losing my family.  Ignorance sure is blissful but I know myself and knew I couldn’t live not knowing the truth.

I mean, it’s not like he was treating me all that good during his affair.  I was left alone most of the time, he would find almost everything and anything to pick a fight with me.  Partly he did it so he could use it as an excuse to leave to go to her and the other so he could justify his affair to himself.  So he can prove to himself that our relationship wasn’t going good and that we were always arguing.  I hated to think that he could do something like this to me, that he could do something so hurtful to me.  I never saw him as that type of guy.  To me, he seemed like a faithful and honest person, I didn’t see this coming at all. 

The hardest part about all of this was his affair began while we planned our wedding and throughout my pregnancy and it didn’t end until my son was 9 months old.

So now, I have a son with this man…..what was I supposed to do now?

Jezika 🙂