How my life changed

August 21, 2008, that’s the day my life changed.  How did it change?  Well, that’s the day I discovered my fiancé was having an affair.

My life has been filled with failed relationships, starting with the one I had with my non-existent father.  Let’s just say trust has never been my strong suit.  However, I trusted my fiancé.  I mean, to me he was a  man so I only trusted him so much. Enough to have a child with him and to know I wanted to spend my life with him. But in my mind it was only a matter of time before he hurt me like every other man in my life has.  Still, I was shell-shocked.  I think what surprised me more than the fact that he had this affair, was the duration of the affair. 

I was always one of those women who said “if my man cheats on me, he’s done”. However, when it actually happened, I didn’t know what to do.  I think I could’ve tolerated a one night stand or even if he had non-emotional sex with someone, but this was an emotional and physical affair.  I think that’s what hurt me the most.  When I found out about the affair I wasn’t shocked only because I felt that something was up from the moment his affair began.

He was disconnected from me, he was getting dressed up often, he would work really late hours, he wanted to go out with his friends all the time, he would be MIA and not answer his phone.  I think I know all the signs by now.  I just had no way of proving it.  His phone was often wiped out, no text messages were left to read, no incoming and outgoing calls were shown, he even had his phone on silent all the time and turned it off at night.  I’m not a stupid woman, I knew what was going on.  I knew at some point I would catch him in his lies; it was only a matter of time. 

Part of me wanted to know for certain so I wouldn’t feel like I was crazy. He did a very good job of trying to convince me I was.  Then there was the other part of me that was scared to find out.  Afraid of my life being turned upside down, of losing the man I had loved for so long, losing my family.  Ignorance sure is blissful but I know myself and knew I couldn’t live not knowing the truth.

I mean, it’s not like he was treating me all that good during his affair.  I was left alone most of the time, he would find almost everything and anything to pick a fight with me.  Partly he did it so he could use it as an excuse to leave to go to her and the other so he could justify his affair to himself.  So he can prove to himself that our relationship wasn’t going good and that we were always arguing.  I hated to think that he could do something like this to me, that he could do something so hurtful to me.  I never saw him as that type of guy.  To me, he seemed like a faithful and honest person, I didn’t see this coming at all. 

The hardest part about all of this was his affair began while we planned our wedding and throughout my pregnancy and it didn’t end until my son was 9 months old.

So now, I have a son with this man…..what was I supposed to do now?

Jezika 🙂