Mind Over Matter

As my fiancé sat in jail, I ended the call with him wondering about the future of our relationship.  I thought I knew exactly what I was going to do.  I would end the relationship.  How could I stay with a man who not only cheated on me but also lied to me for a year and a half?  I was never the type of woman who would tolerate being cheated on.  So why was I, all of a sudden, so conflicted?

The next call I received from him was much different than the first.  Instead of him stuttering in shock, he was completely humbled.  At this point in my mind, there was nothing he could have said that would make me understand why he cheated, although he tried very hard to defend his actions.   His words were full of desperation.  He pleaded with me to believe him as he continued to tell me he loved me.  He implored me to find it in my heart to not give up on our family over his mistake.   All I could think of was when exactly his “relationship” with her became his “mistake”.  Was it when he got arrested?  Was it when I dropped the bomb that I was aware of what was going on?  Was it when he realized I wasn’t just going to let him say he was sorry and let him walk back through the door?

Before our conversation went any further, I wanted to know how it began.  I wanted to know why it began.  According to him it started out as friendship.  When their friendship began things at home were a bit stressful.  We were planning our wedding and as we got deeper into the plans, I became more focused on the wedding.  Looking back I would say preparing for the perfect wedding consumed me.  The stress I was experiencing would eventually turn into arguing and the arguments gradually escalated to a point in which that’s all we did.   It was during this time, he turned to her to escape the fighting at home.  This is how his relationship with her grew into something more.  He was explaining this to me, as if the situation at home was a justification for him to turn to her.  When it was clear his explanation was not going to work with me, he scrambled to offer several other excuses.  The more excuses he had, the angrier I got.  One such excuse was that I was not giving him enough attention.   However, my needs were also being neglected.  Does the lack of attention give the right for one to cheat?  Hell no! 

I remained cold and callous in my responses to him.  I couldn’t let him break me.  Even though I attempted to remain strong in my convictions, I still found myself listening to him.  He asked could we seek counseling.  Instead of rejecting the idea, I said yes.  I had no idea what was making me say yes.  I don’t know if it was hearing the man I loved crying or if it was because I didn’t want the other woman “winning”.  She had wanted him so badly and out of spite I wouldn’t let her have him.  I know, I know, it sounds crazy, but in some odd way, in this situation you can’t help feel as if you are competing.  Unless you’ve been in this type of situation, you won’t understand how your mind will twist your thoughts and actions.  By the time I found out our son was already born, so it wasn’t as if I could walk away with a clean slate.  I had to think about our son before I could think about my own feelings.

As we prepared for counseling I made no promises to my fiancé.  I told him that there were no guarantees I would stay with him.  I told him he needed to end it with her first before I would even consider going through with counseling.  I had to make sure she stayed away.  I also made it very clear to him that he had to stay somewhere else for the time being.  I did not want him coming home; I couldn’t bear to see his face.  He called me several times that night, until finally I told him to stop.  He said he liked hearing my voice and I explained to him that I wasn’t here to comfort him.  I had nothing left to say to him and just wanted him to leave me alone.  He did as I asked and left me alone.

My mind was racing and I didn’t know what to do.  I called his cousin to speak with her.  She had known about my suspicions for months.  When I told her about his cheating, she didn’t seem surprised.  Either she knew about it already or because we had talked about it she started to notice his odd behavior.  I didn’t want my friends to know what was going on.  I was embarrassed and since I didn’t really know what I was going to do, I didn’t want them to judge me if I decided to stay with him.  Ironically, I didn’t want them looking at him differently, even though he deserved to be ripped to shreds.  There really wasn’t much his cousin could say to me, however she was able to provide me with the support I needed at that time. 

After my phone call, I put my son to sleep and went through my fiance’s phone bill.  I saw how many times a day he spoke with the other woman.  There were so many calls to her throughout any given day.  He would call me, we would hang up and he would then call her.  I was disgusted and humiliated by what I saw.

From the moment I discovered the affair, I hadn’t allowed myself to cry, nor did I feel like I wanted to.  I was fueled with anger and felt stronger than ever.  I now had the upper hand and I was the one in complete control over the fate of this relationship.  The power had shifted and I was the person who was calling all the shots.  I looked at my son’s beautiful face as he slept and thanked God he was too young to understand what was going on.  But still I questioned whether or not he would feel the difference if his father and I were to split.  Would he adjust to seeing his father every other weekend like his other kids did?  It infuriated me more knowing I was put in a position that would change my son’s life.  Meanwhile, it was my fiance’s selfish actions which altered this relationship.  However, the responsibility was now on me to either stay or go.  Seemed a bit unfair to say the least!

It was 1:30 am and I couldn’t turn off my thoughts, my brain would not shut down.  I kept going through the events of the day and wondering what I was going to do.  I heard a noise and as I looked up at the door to the room, I saw my fiancé looking down at me. 

My blood boiled and raced to my head.  How dare he come home!!!!!!!!

Jezika 🙂

Advertisements

The URI to TrackBack this entry is: https://woundshealscarsremain.wordpress.com/2010/11/20/mind-over-matter/trackback/

RSS feed for comments on this post.

14 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. U always end it in such a way sothat i can’t wait for the next part.You are a wonderful writer.Maybe pain helped you.

    • Thanks so much, I do believe it happened to me for a reason and the reason is to help others through the pain. Thanks again for the support.

  2. I’m not exactly sure what to say. I have never been in your situation. However, like you I have ideas in my head of what I would do, but obviously sometimes what we dream and what is reality is very different. As I read your story, my heart breaks for you. It was obviously much more than sex which makes it so much worse. I don’t know how your story ends, but I wish you love and happiness.

    • Thank you Nicole. I don’t think anyone really knows what they would do unless they are in the position. It’s a very hard thing to go through and hard to decide what’s best not just for you but for the kids in the family. I would rather it have been a one night stand or just casual sex. I don’t think it would have hurt as bad.

  3. Thanks for sharing Been there, too. and know how the mind just will not shut down and you think if I could just stop thinking I will be better but it doesn’t work that way You have to make decisions in the midst of tremendous pain Bless you and love you

    • Charity your support has meant a lot to me. I love you too. You do wish you could shut your mind down but it takes years to feel normal again.

  4. your story is so heartfelt and give a since of strenght.

    • I appreciate your comment Octavia. I’m so glad you were able to see that from the story.

  5. So I begged you to hurry up w/ this blog, and now I’m days late reading it bc my computer broke!!! my bad! ha it was worth the wait though! seein those back to back calls (callin you, hangin up & callin her) would make me so furious!!!! I hope you made him bust his butt to earn your trust back!! I wanna hear how he cut it off with this hussy & proved it to you! and what went down in counseling! wow I put a lot of exclamation marks, this blog got me worked up!:) hope you’re workin on the next one……LOVE, Kourtney

    • Haha Kourtney you made me laugh. Oh yeah I sure did. But the hussy didn’t leave so easily. You will see what I mean. It’s coming up soon. Stay tuned!!! Those back to back calls made me want to punch him.

  6. I went through the exact same thing. My kids were 1&2. It makes you so much stronger-good for you that you are writing-it’s important to get it all out. Moving forward isn’t easy but you are right-it’s all about the kids-wish more people got that! I wish you happiness:)

    • Thank you Ali, it means a lot to me. I think it’s important for people to see how common it is and to know they aren’t alone. Thank you for sharing and hope you found your happiness as well.

  7. I’ve experienced the very same emotions. And I’ve also noticed how similar the men are in defending themselves. Thanks for being so open, that helps us all to heal

    • Ali, I think a lot of people go through the very same emotions. I am glad I could help you in some way.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: