Mind Over Matter

As my fiancé sat in jail, I ended the call with him wondering about the future of our relationship.  I thought I knew exactly what I was going to do.  I would end the relationship.  How could I stay with a man who not only cheated on me but also lied to me for a year and a half?  I was never the type of woman who would tolerate being cheated on.  So why was I, all of a sudden, so conflicted?

The next call I received from him was much different than the first.  Instead of him stuttering in shock, he was completely humbled.  At this point in my mind, there was nothing he could have said that would make me understand why he cheated, although he tried very hard to defend his actions.   His words were full of desperation.  He pleaded with me to believe him as he continued to tell me he loved me.  He implored me to find it in my heart to not give up on our family over his mistake.   All I could think of was when exactly his “relationship” with her became his “mistake”.  Was it when he got arrested?  Was it when I dropped the bomb that I was aware of what was going on?  Was it when he realized I wasn’t just going to let him say he was sorry and let him walk back through the door?

Before our conversation went any further, I wanted to know how it began.  I wanted to know why it began.  According to him it started out as friendship.  When their friendship began things at home were a bit stressful.  We were planning our wedding and as we got deeper into the plans, I became more focused on the wedding.  Looking back I would say preparing for the perfect wedding consumed me.  The stress I was experiencing would eventually turn into arguing and the arguments gradually escalated to a point in which that’s all we did.   It was during this time, he turned to her to escape the fighting at home.  This is how his relationship with her grew into something more.  He was explaining this to me, as if the situation at home was a justification for him to turn to her.  When it was clear his explanation was not going to work with me, he scrambled to offer several other excuses.  The more excuses he had, the angrier I got.  One such excuse was that I was not giving him enough attention.   However, my needs were also being neglected.  Does the lack of attention give the right for one to cheat?  Hell no! 

I remained cold and callous in my responses to him.  I couldn’t let him break me.  Even though I attempted to remain strong in my convictions, I still found myself listening to him.  He asked could we seek counseling.  Instead of rejecting the idea, I said yes.  I had no idea what was making me say yes.  I don’t know if it was hearing the man I loved crying or if it was because I didn’t want the other woman “winning”.  She had wanted him so badly and out of spite I wouldn’t let her have him.  I know, I know, it sounds crazy, but in some odd way, in this situation you can’t help feel as if you are competing.  Unless you’ve been in this type of situation, you won’t understand how your mind will twist your thoughts and actions.  By the time I found out our son was already born, so it wasn’t as if I could walk away with a clean slate.  I had to think about our son before I could think about my own feelings.

As we prepared for counseling I made no promises to my fiancé.  I told him that there were no guarantees I would stay with him.  I told him he needed to end it with her first before I would even consider going through with counseling.  I had to make sure she stayed away.  I also made it very clear to him that he had to stay somewhere else for the time being.  I did not want him coming home; I couldn’t bear to see his face.  He called me several times that night, until finally I told him to stop.  He said he liked hearing my voice and I explained to him that I wasn’t here to comfort him.  I had nothing left to say to him and just wanted him to leave me alone.  He did as I asked and left me alone.

My mind was racing and I didn’t know what to do.  I called his cousin to speak with her.  She had known about my suspicions for months.  When I told her about his cheating, she didn’t seem surprised.  Either she knew about it already or because we had talked about it she started to notice his odd behavior.  I didn’t want my friends to know what was going on.  I was embarrassed and since I didn’t really know what I was going to do, I didn’t want them to judge me if I decided to stay with him.  Ironically, I didn’t want them looking at him differently, even though he deserved to be ripped to shreds.  There really wasn’t much his cousin could say to me, however she was able to provide me with the support I needed at that time. 

After my phone call, I put my son to sleep and went through my fiance’s phone bill.  I saw how many times a day he spoke with the other woman.  There were so many calls to her throughout any given day.  He would call me, we would hang up and he would then call her.  I was disgusted and humiliated by what I saw.

From the moment I discovered the affair, I hadn’t allowed myself to cry, nor did I feel like I wanted to.  I was fueled with anger and felt stronger than ever.  I now had the upper hand and I was the one in complete control over the fate of this relationship.  The power had shifted and I was the person who was calling all the shots.  I looked at my son’s beautiful face as he slept and thanked God he was too young to understand what was going on.  But still I questioned whether or not he would feel the difference if his father and I were to split.  Would he adjust to seeing his father every other weekend like his other kids did?  It infuriated me more knowing I was put in a position that would change my son’s life.  Meanwhile, it was my fiance’s selfish actions which altered this relationship.  However, the responsibility was now on me to either stay or go.  Seemed a bit unfair to say the least!

It was 1:30 am and I couldn’t turn off my thoughts, my brain would not shut down.  I kept going through the events of the day and wondering what I was going to do.  I heard a noise and as I looked up at the door to the room, I saw my fiancé looking down at me. 

My blood boiled and raced to my head.  How dare he come home!!!!!!!!

Jezika 🙂