An Unwelcomed Homecoming

After my fiancé spent the entire day sitting in jail and wondering what he was going to do now that the affair was out in the open, I couldn’t imagine why he would think it would be okay to come home.  Especially, after I specifically told him not to.  However, there he was standing in the doorway of our room looking down at me and the only words I could think of to say were “you’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”

His face was filled with guilt and sadness, but when I looked at him all I could feel was disgust.  He explained to me that he attempted to go to his sister’s house but she didn’t answer the door.  He told me he just wanted to grab some clothes, shower and he promised to sleep on the couch.  He wreaked of urine and I found myself getting emotional.  I held back the tears because I didn’t want him to think my tears were a sign of weakness.  He went to the bathroom and I decided I wanted to speak with him.  I knocked on the door and opened it.  I asked him why he did this to our family.   He said he didn’t know why.  I shoved his cell phone in his face and said I had no more use for it.  He took his  phone and broke it in two pieces.   Our brief conversation ended there and I went back to the room where our son was peacefully sleeping in our bed.  I had to think of our son before anything else.

I finally fell asleep but I woke up to the sound of my fiancé entering our room.  I kept my eyes closed, I did not want to talk anymore.  I could feel him looking at me and our son sleeping.  I heard him kiss our son and I followed his footsteps with my ears.  He was watching me.  My heart was beating so fast, and once again I was choking back tears.  My mind just kept repeating “please leave, please leave”.  I felt his breath against my face as he kissed my forehead.  I still pretended to be asleep.  As soon as he left the room, I broke down and began to cry.  I tried so hard to be strong and not let my emotions take over, however, I couldn’t hold it in anymore.  I still loved this man and it crushed me knowing we were no longer going to be a family.  I cannot tell you what he was thinking while he watched us sleeping but if I could read his mind, I would bet it was regret.  

My sleep was unsound the entire night.  Racing thoughts awoke me every hour.  Morning came quicker than I expected and I had to get ready for work.  I couldn’t believe I had to go to work and pretend as if my life wasn’t shattered into a million pieces.   I went out into the livingroom and there my fiancé was asleep.  I woke him up and told him to go lay in bed with our son.  I could’ve left him on the couch uncomfortable but a part of me still felt that sadness for him. The same sadness I felt when he smelled of urine and wanted to take a bath.  He asked me if he could take me to work.  He must have been desperate to even attempt to ask me that.  I did not even want him to come home the night before, so why would he think I would want him to take me to work?  I told him yes.  I do not know why I said yes, my mind was in a fog and thought it would give us a chance to talk.

As we stood waiting for the subway to arrive, I would glance at him and disgust would consume me.  I couldn’t even look at him without picturing him with her.  He didn’t even look me in my eyes.  I agreed to him taking me to work but when he actually was, I wished I hadn’t have said yes.  It was the longest train ride and the awkward silence was deadly.  We didn’t speak about anything and when we got to my job all I could say was “I can’t even look at you, you disgust me, all I keep picturing is you with her.”  He once again apologized and asked if he could meet me for lunch.  I told him there was no point to it but he begged me, so I said yes. 

Lunch was just as uncomfortable as the morning train ride.  We sat down for lunch but I couldn’t eat anything.  I had a perpetual lump in my throat since earlier that day and no appetite.  I picked at my pizza but didn’t actual consume any of it.  I asked him when the last time he slept with her was and he told me it was 2 or 3 weeks prior.  I wanted to throw up and still thought it was a lie.  How could I believe anything he would ever tell me again?  We finished up lunch quickly and needed to buy his older son a birthday present.  As we were crossing the street he put his hand back to grab my hand and I pretended as if I didn’t see him reaching out to me.  I understand it was force of habit for him but I did not want him touching me.  I thought if I pretended not to see him do it, that I wouldn’t hurt his feelings by rejecting him.  Isn’t that crazy?  Why should I care about his feelings?  He should feel hurt, he should feel rejected.  It is a constant internal battle.  Do I love him or hate him? 

He walked me back to work and asked me the question of “where do we go from here?”  I told him I thought it would be best if he stayed at his sister’s house for now.  I needed space and time to sort through my fluctuating emotions.  With him around I felt pressured into acting like everything was okay, when it clearly wasn’t.  He agreed to stay away and give me time.  He asked if he could take our son with him to his sister’s and then bring him back later that night.  I said it was fine.  Whatever issues we had, I couldn’t let that affect our son.  He called me at work to let me know he bought a new phone and that I could call him if I wanted to check up on the baby. 

When I went home, I found the house empty.  Only my mother was there.  I had practically been a single parent for the entire 9 months of my son’s life.  My fiancé was off fooling around and I at least had my son to keep me company.  But now, being home without the baby there, I felt so lonely.  I decided to use this time to sit and ponder what my next move was going to be.  My fiancé called and asked if he could keep our son for the entire night and I thought it would be a good idea.  Let him see what it’s like to put him to bed, to wake up with him, to feed him, to care for him.  Maybe then he would appreciate me more. 

My fiancé called me several times that night, using questions regarding our son’s care as an excuse.  “When does he get his last bottle?” “What time does he go to sleep?” “What if he wakes up?”  These were some of the few questions he asked me about.  Then once he had me on the phone he would talk to me about “us”.  I would start off nice then get upset, then get angry, then sad.  Sometimes I would end on a good note and then other times I would hang up on him.  I couldn’t talk anymore, I wanted to just sleep.  I told him I would be picking up our son early in the morning, we had a baby shower to attend and I wanted to bring the baby with me.  

We finally ended our multiple conversations around 1 am and I was able to sleep an uninterrupted sleep for the first time in months.  I was afraid to see what tomorrow held for me.  I prayed I could find the strength to get through it all.  I closed my eyes and drifted off.

Jezika 🙂