A Second Chance at Happiness

After speaking to my fiance many times that night about us and our now broken relationship, I just didn’t want to think about the affair anymore.  I slept but it wasn’t exactly sound sleep.  You would imagine, since my son was spending the night away, I would be able to sleep late come morning and enjoy it. In reality, I missed my fiance.  I also missed sleeping next to my fiancé. The bed felt empty, my room felt empty, and I felt completely alone.

When I went to pick up my son from his father the next day, my fiance was not happy.  He thought I would stay and we would talk. However, I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of thinking we were going to be ok.  I had a baby shower to attend, where a few of my friends were going to be and I had to pretend there was nothing wrong in my relationship.  Not an easy task, the pain was written all over my face.  But I pulled it off pretty well, no one thought anything was wrong in my life.  I just told them I was tired.  

After I returned home and put my son to sleep, I had time to sit and think about the events of the past couple of days.  The anger was dissipating and the sadness was kicking in.  I was born and raised by a single mother and I am an only child.  I did not know my father’s side of the family and my mother was also an only child. Prior to meeting my fiance, my friends were essentially the only family I had.  When we started dating, I became very close to his family.  His brothers and sister became mine, his cousins became mine, his aunts and uncles became mine, all the kids were just as much my nieces and nephews as they were his.  I even developed a very strong relationship with his other children.  Losing him in my life meant losing my extended family as well. It wasn’t just a matter of ending the relationship with him, but with my entire family as well.

I received a phone call from him while I was contemplating our future.  I told him exactly how I was feeling and he offered to bring the kids over to see me.  I was not ready to see him but we did make plans to take them to the zoo the next day.  After we had our plans set and ended the call, I felt compelled to call him back.  I wanted to know why he hadn’t told me he missed me or loved me since he left.  He told me he held back his feelings because he was afraid I would reject him.  He missed me and loved me more than anything but he feared I didn’t feel the same.  I told him that it didn’t matter if I said it back, but I needed to hear it.  After we hung up, part of me felt excited to see him the next day.  My feelings were so conflicted and I didn’t know when or if I was ever going to feel normal again.

At 1:30 am, I received a phone call from my fiancé.  He told me the other woman had called him. He told her it was over between them.   He went on to tell me she was hurt and upset.  She had thought they were now going to be together.  She was shocked and surprised when he said he wanted to work things out with me.  After he called me to tell me what happened, I left her a message of my own.  Of course I received her voicemail but my message was crystal clear, this is what I said:  “I know you called and spoke to my fiancé.  Well, you have your answer now; he wants to stay with his family.  You are very stupid to think otherwise.  You have been with him for close to 2 years, yet, he still hadn’t left me for you.  I hope you choose to move on and I hope and pray that one day, you will fall in love, have a child with this man, and then find out he’s cheating with a whore just like you.  Goodbye.”  I called my fiancé back and told him that I hope he was being honest with me and to inform me if she attempted to call again.  I also told him I was glad he told me she called.  Right before we ended our conversation he said “I love you”.  I didn’t say it back.  I hung up with him and after a few minutes I called him again and said “I love you too”.  I did love him, but I wasn’t sure if that meant much.  Saying those words certainly didn’t make me feel any better or any more secure with our relationship.  Hopefully, after spending the day with him at the zoo, I would be sure of what I wanted.

The next morning my fiancé called and said he was on his way with the kids.  He asked if he could give me a hug when he saw me.  I told him I would have to see how I felt but I didn’t think I would mind.  The truth is, I didn’t mind.  I was still hurt but I wanted to see him.  I had missed him and felt like, perhaps, this could be a new start for us.  As I came down to see him, I felt the butterflies in my stomach.  It felt like a first date.  As I approached him, I smiled and hugged him.  His arms tightened around me and it was the longest hug I have ever had.  His children looked at us with confusion.  They knew something was strange since they had spent the night at their aunt’s house with their father, instead of our house.  It had been the first time they weren’t with me in 5 years.  We finally released our embrace and went to the zoo.  My fiancé was so attentive and affectionate with me that day.  So much so, I was a bit uncomfortable.  I was happy that finally I was receiving the treatment I had longed for in almost 2 years, but I was still uneasy about being there with him.  He told me that he was sorry he mistreated me for all those years and that he didn’t realize what he had.  I really did enjoy my day with him but in the back of my mind I was thinking about her.  Was he affectionate with her?   Did he kiss her the way he did me?  Was she getting all the attention while I was getting none of it?  I wanted so badly to forget but it was still right there in the forefront of my mind.  He asked if he could come over and I let him even though I knew it was a mistake.  I wasn’t ready for it, I wanted him but I didn’t think I would be able to move past everything he had done and the pain I felt.

All I knew was, I couldn’t wait for counseling.  The only thing I was 100% sure of was that I didn’t want to lose my family.  I was willing to put in the work as long as I knew the other woman was out of the picture.  The unfortunate part was; she wasn’t gone just yet.

Jezika 🙂