Not over yet

I went to sleep that night thinking my fiancé had completely ceased all contact with the woman he chose to have an affair with.  We had spent a great day together and I believed we were headed in the right direction towards healing our relationship.  However, I couldn’t seem to control the constantly shifting of my emotions.  One minute I felt happy; the next sad, then angry.  I didn’t understand why I couldn’t be content with the fact that we were working things out.  Why couldn’t I erase the bad thoughts from my mind so I could love him again?

Our first therapy session was a very intense one.  My fiancé seemed to be open about sharing his feelings; yet I could see him shut down when the therapist would try to get him to open up concerning the affair.  When he was asked why he cheated he could only answer, “I don’t know why”.  It would infuriate me because how could someone not know why they do something knowing the pain it would cause?  If he didn’t know why, what makes me think he wouldn’t do it again?  I left therapy wondering if things were ever going to get better between us.  Even though I had my doubts, I still had a feeling of hope which is something I didn’t have prior to going to the session. 

The weekend came and we decided to go to his cousin’s house.  I tried hard to hide the issues we were dealing with.  They knew what had happened but I didn’t want them to see how unhappy I truly was.  I felt so lost; I was faking my happiness.  My mind still waivered with many doubts and wondered if I could actually get through this.  Did I really want to make this relationship work?  Every time he was out of my sight I questioned whether he was calling her or texting her.  He would go to the store and I would get mad because I thought he was contacting her and lying to me about it.  I could see him trying but he was losing patience with my mood swings.  I was not myself.  I remember I would wait until he would fall asleep and I would go through his phone.  I was looking to see if he was calling or texting her.  Yet I never found evidence that he was. 

We continued going to therapy.  Every other week we had individual sessions and then on the third week we would have our couples counseling sessions.  As time went on, I couldn’t seem to feel any better about our relationship.   I felt just as bad as I had the first day I found out.  When was this going to get easier?  He was doing everything to show me he loved me but I still didn’t trust him.  I would look up websites to try and find support groups.  I needed to know what I was feeling was normal.  I wanted to hear from other people who had been through what I had, stayed and worked through the infidelity.  I was hoping they were able to rebuild their relationship and come out a stronger couple.  I didn’t know if it would help me but perhaps I would feel less alone.

It had been two weeks and I went online to look at his phone bill; I wanted to make sure her number was nowhere to be found.  Unfortunately, it was there, my heart sank and I felt the blood rush to my head.  He was still in contact with her.  It was then I knew getting her out of our lives wasn’t going to be so easy.  I confronted him about it and he had said she was calling him still.  I asked him why he didn’t tell me and he said there was nothing to tell.  She wanted to be with him but he didn’t want to be with her anymore.  He was willing to change his number.  I was conflicted, I wanted to make things work but why couldn’t he just get her out of our lives?  Did he care for her?  Was he still seeing her?  I couldn’t understand how he would jeopardize our relationship again, knowing I would see the phone bill and catch her number there.   Was she worth losing me and our son over?  What did he really want? 

I knew I had to make a decision but why was it so hard?  He promised me the affair was over and he would change his number to prove it.  I just didn’t know anymore if that would be enough. 

The next day he met me for lunch.  He had already changed his number and he was going to call her in front of me to tell her the relationship was over.  It was funny how he was going to be telling her the same thing he swore he had already done 2 weeks prior to this day.  He blocked his number and dialed hers.   I rolled my eyes and made a comment about him having her number memorized.   She did not pick up and so he left her a voicemail saying that he changed his number, not to contact him.  He also told her if she shows up at the gym, he will quit his job, he wanted to be with me, he loved me and we were planning on getting married.  Even though he made that call to her, I was still so angry.  I wound up yelling at him and going back to work.  I was disappointed in myself.  Why couldn’t I walk away from this man?  Would this be the last time?  Was she really out of the picture?  What would I find on next month’s bill?

I had a nagging suspicion that things were going to get more complicated.  And yet, I still hoped I was wrong.

Jezika 🙂