Not over yet

I went to sleep that night thinking my fiancé had completely ceased all contact with the woman he chose to have an affair with.  We had spent a great day together and I believed we were headed in the right direction towards healing our relationship.  However, I couldn’t seem to control the constantly shifting of my emotions.  One minute I felt happy; the next sad, then angry.  I didn’t understand why I couldn’t be content with the fact that we were working things out.  Why couldn’t I erase the bad thoughts from my mind so I could love him again?

Our first therapy session was a very intense one.  My fiancé seemed to be open about sharing his feelings; yet I could see him shut down when the therapist would try to get him to open up concerning the affair.  When he was asked why he cheated he could only answer, “I don’t know why”.  It would infuriate me because how could someone not know why they do something knowing the pain it would cause?  If he didn’t know why, what makes me think he wouldn’t do it again?  I left therapy wondering if things were ever going to get better between us.  Even though I had my doubts, I still had a feeling of hope which is something I didn’t have prior to going to the session. 

The weekend came and we decided to go to his cousin’s house.  I tried hard to hide the issues we were dealing with.  They knew what had happened but I didn’t want them to see how unhappy I truly was.  I felt so lost; I was faking my happiness.  My mind still waivered with many doubts and wondered if I could actually get through this.  Did I really want to make this relationship work?  Every time he was out of my sight I questioned whether he was calling her or texting her.  He would go to the store and I would get mad because I thought he was contacting her and lying to me about it.  I could see him trying but he was losing patience with my mood swings.  I was not myself.  I remember I would wait until he would fall asleep and I would go through his phone.  I was looking to see if he was calling or texting her.  Yet I never found evidence that he was. 

We continued going to therapy.  Every other week we had individual sessions and then on the third week we would have our couples counseling sessions.  As time went on, I couldn’t seem to feel any better about our relationship.   I felt just as bad as I had the first day I found out.  When was this going to get easier?  He was doing everything to show me he loved me but I still didn’t trust him.  I would look up websites to try and find support groups.  I needed to know what I was feeling was normal.  I wanted to hear from other people who had been through what I had, stayed and worked through the infidelity.  I was hoping they were able to rebuild their relationship and come out a stronger couple.  I didn’t know if it would help me but perhaps I would feel less alone.

It had been two weeks and I went online to look at his phone bill; I wanted to make sure her number was nowhere to be found.  Unfortunately, it was there, my heart sank and I felt the blood rush to my head.  He was still in contact with her.  It was then I knew getting her out of our lives wasn’t going to be so easy.  I confronted him about it and he had said she was calling him still.  I asked him why he didn’t tell me and he said there was nothing to tell.  She wanted to be with him but he didn’t want to be with her anymore.  He was willing to change his number.  I was conflicted, I wanted to make things work but why couldn’t he just get her out of our lives?  Did he care for her?  Was he still seeing her?  I couldn’t understand how he would jeopardize our relationship again, knowing I would see the phone bill and catch her number there.   Was she worth losing me and our son over?  What did he really want? 

I knew I had to make a decision but why was it so hard?  He promised me the affair was over and he would change his number to prove it.  I just didn’t know anymore if that would be enough. 

The next day he met me for lunch.  He had already changed his number and he was going to call her in front of me to tell her the relationship was over.  It was funny how he was going to be telling her the same thing he swore he had already done 2 weeks prior to this day.  He blocked his number and dialed hers.   I rolled my eyes and made a comment about him having her number memorized.   She did not pick up and so he left her a voicemail saying that he changed his number, not to contact him.  He also told her if she shows up at the gym, he will quit his job, he wanted to be with me, he loved me and we were planning on getting married.  Even though he made that call to her, I was still so angry.  I wound up yelling at him and going back to work.  I was disappointed in myself.  Why couldn’t I walk away from this man?  Would this be the last time?  Was she really out of the picture?  What would I find on next month’s bill?

I had a nagging suspicion that things were going to get more complicated.  And yet, I still hoped I was wrong.

Jezika 🙂

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22 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Your blog is heartbreaking. You are a wonderful writer. Woman to woman, it is not ever going to get easier as long as you stay with this man. Once the trust, the innocence of your relationship has been broken, you can never get that back. You may think you do, but we still have the doubts and the urges to check the phone bills, cell phone logs, etc. That is no way to live. Once they kill the trust, it’s gone. All women deserve better than that. Personally, I think it is better to be alone until you find the right person than be dealing with this emotional turmoil. Stress like that gives us cancer down the road. The sad truth is, men lie. And even if he is not lying anymore, he did before and betrayed you. He is not worthy of you. You are worthy of so much more and deserve to not wake up every day with fear, questions and doubt.

    Good luck to you. I enjoy reading your posts as much as it hurts because we’ve all been there one way or the other. The sad thing is, we only learn from it years later after we have taken so much crap to try and hold on and eventually move through it. By that time you think, “what was I doing?! Why did I waste so much time?” You seem like a great woman. Don’t waste precious years of your life.

    xoxo

    • Thank you for your kind words. And yes, I know what you mean. Once sacred trust is broken you don’t ever get it back where it was before the betrayal. I eventually found a place of peace and have been able to control the urges to “check up” on him. Although trust isn’t the same I have found a new sense of confidence and have healed my heart so I no longer really worry day in and day out. Do I still have a bit of nagging doubt? Yeah. But not nearly as bad as I was when I first started dealing with the infidelity issues. You are very sweet, I hope that by writing my experiences, I could help someone else who has decided to stay and work through things. Believe it or not, some men do change if they are willing to put in the work to change themselves. But it takes a lot of time and a lot of effort. I always wonder what things would be like if I had walked away.

  2. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Mel Wister and A.J. Carroll, Jezi :). Jezi 🙂 said: Think the other woman was out of the picture? Well read, Not over yet http://wp.me/p17duv-10 […]

  3. Jezika – I have considerable experience in this area, but from the perspective of the other woman. Many of the married men I had relationships with had cheated on their spouses before they were married. Those women took them back and married them anyway.

    It would be very hard for you to leave him and start over right now, but just imagine how hard it would be in two or five or ten years?

    You can check his phone bill all you want but just like he blocked his number, she can block hers. She can also call from work or from a friend’s phone. If he wants to contact her, he will find a way. I have seen men do unbelievable things to spend time with their mistresses.

    The fact that your fiancee can’t pinpoint why he strayed is troubling. It makes me think that it’s not about sex, but that this relationship fills some unmet emotional need for him. Men are comfortable saying they want more sex, but more reluctant to reveal emotional vulnerability.

    Best of luck to you. You sound like a strong woman. Your son will be fine no matter what you decide as long as he has you as his rock.

    • Thank you for your honesty. This affair happened almost three years ago, we have had a lot of self reflection since then and have gotten to understand why he did infact cheat. I don’t want to go much into detail here since it will be part of my blog going further. I no longer am in a place where I am checking his bill or his phone. Anyone who goes through it and stays eventually comes to a place of acceptance and no longer feels the need to look if their significant other is transparent. If he is going to cheat again and go through the great lengths of getting a second phone, well there is nothing I can do to stop him. I won’t let those thoughts control me. You never know what the future holds and you never know if you leave and find someone else that they won’t cheat. There are no guarantees in life. Strength comes in many forms, staying and trying to hold your family together isn’t weakness at all. I think sometimes forgiving and rebuilding takes a lot more strength then you think. But I do appreciate your comment. Question to you, since you’ve openly admitted to being involved with married men. I’m extremely curious to understand what goes on in the mind’s of women who have affairs with men in relationships. Why would you knowingly get involved with someone who is in a relationship if you know the great hurt it would potentially cause the wife/girlfriend/fiance?

  4. Great article. It was great to read.

    I went to sleep that night thinking my fiancé had completely ceased all contact with the woman he choose to have an affair with. – this has a typo. It should read chose not choose.

    • Thank you Jacque, I noted the typo and made the correction. Thank you for pointing that out 🙂

  5. Love this one, why is it so hard to get rid of the hussy? Let me guess she still wasn’t out of the picture after the phone number change! Can’t take the suspense for another 2months so u better give me a hint!! Are u guys still doing any counseling, or did that stop years ago? It helps to try out dif psychologists, bc I’ve seen a few throughout my college years, and some just get you better than others, so try a few don’t just stick with one if you’re gonna do the pre wedding counseling thing! Good luck love you and your blogs! -kourt

    • How did you ever guess? LOL. Well we did try multiple counselors. The first one we both did not like so much. But we stopped going a while back. It did it’s job for the most part. Enough where we learned how to communicate and how to nurture our relationship. I will do my best to get a new one out pretty quickly. Thanks for reading Kourt.

  6. You know how I feel. This is always so well written and so well expressed … I feel like I am you. Can’t wait for me.

    • Cant wait for more I mean … damn that vodka with fries really did me in!

      • Vodka and Fries – I heart you! HAHA

  7. I respect the pain you went through. As for myself, being married for 25 years and then knifed in the back and left with no family, and I mean NO FAMILY…all dead, job lost because you had a business together and having to start over again with nothing and no one at 47 years old kind of sucks.I had to move across the country on my own. Alone. Sorry, once they shit on you, they shit on you. That can’t be erased. The trust and respect are GONE. How you got it back is beyond me, but good luck. Until he does it again.

    • I am so sorry for the pain you have experienced. After 25 years, that is heartbreaking. I hope you have found some peace. I can say the trust is not where it used to be but it can be somewhat rebuilt. That doubt always does linger. I hope he doesn’t do it again, I know I live life with the thought that he learned from this. I couldn’t continue in my relationship if I allowed those thoughts to control me. I stayed first for my son, so he could have his family intact and second because I loved him and wanted to see if our family could be salvaged. It takes hard work, he does his part and I do mine. Good luck to you, I appreciate your comments.

  8. So brilliantly written…Sad,funny and oh,so true…
    Keeping my fingers..and toes crossed that wicked hussy is out of the picture..but my guess is that she isn’t..bad ones stick around like superglue.

  9. I have been with my husband for almost 10 years and it has been work. From “emotional” affair to fearing a “physical” affair. I understand every bit of detail you are writing about. I love this blog and will continue to read.

    • I’m sorry for your pain. It is nice to know I’m not alone, although I don’t wish it on anyone. I hope you find peace.

  10. Ok so I have a question – not sure if it’s ok to ask in a public forum but here goes – Did you feel a need to know details about the other woman? What she looked like? Did for work, etc? I ask because I have yet to confirm the identity of the woman in the video and am starting to obsess over finding her with the very few details he gave me – or that I could stand to hear. There were no shots of her face – only a very distinct piercing – do I let this go or do I search until I find her and get closure?

    • Oh absolutely I did. I didn’t really want to know intimate details only because I knew it would kill me but of course I wanted to know what she looked like, where she lived, where she worked. I even searched her out on Google. As I continue to post I will tell you my experience with that. I found out where she worked from his phone records. I even found her on Facebook. Its hard not to want to know every detail about them. I wanted to see and understand what was so special about this woman that made him want to risk our family for. However, I learned that it wasn’t really about her. If it wasn’t her it would’ve been someone else. She was just easy. An escape. She said and did all the right things because she knew what was wrong in our relationship. Believe me, even if you find her, you will never feel true closure. That feeling has to come within you and it takes time. I knew who the other woman was, I even spoke with her but I never got the closure I really wanted. Don’t think I ever will. I just had to let go and focus on myself and on my relationship. I hope that helps. And please ask away. I know exactly how you’re feeling and know you’re just trying to find your way through this dark time.

  11. That is a huge help. Unfortunately the situation has taken an ugly turn – my inability to let go caused quite the argument and I ended up being shoved to the ground. He was taken to jail for the weekend and is not allowed contact with me so I guess to some degree, Im being forced to get closure. I’m a little lost at the moment but I guess him puttIng his hands me answered all the questions I had. Time to pick myself up and just keep going 🙂

    • I’m so sorry to hear that. I know from experience it takes a long time to move past the initial pain of the betrayal and it shouldn’t be expected to just go away. They want us to get over it and its not that easy so they get frustrated. I’m sorry he put his hands on you. Overcoming infidelity was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. The decision to stay is a difficult one and the ability to realize sometimes its best to walk away takes courage. Hope it gets better for you now. Wishing you the very best.


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