Losing Myself

While I sat at work, I was still infuriated with my fiancé and his inability to let go of the other woman.  The fact that he had to meet me at lunch time to tell her to stop contacting him when he had already promised me it was over, frustrated me and I was sent into an emotional tailspin.  I could feel the anxiety building up again.  I wanted out of the relationship badly by this point but yet something still held me there. 

My fiancé and I continued with our therapy sessions.  Some sessions were good, some were bad but my anger toward him wasn’t fleeting.  I looked at him differently now.  He was a stranger and I no longer viewed him as the man who would never hurt me.  I lost all respect for him.  In therapy one of the promises I had made was that I would not go through his cell phone.  I tried hard not to look but it was very difficult not to.  Rebuilding trust had to start somewhere, so I put forth the effort into repairing our relationship by giving him the benefit of the doubt.

The days went on and the emotional rollercoaster was unstoppable.  On certain days I would be so in love with him and other days I despised him.  One particular night when my love for him was wavering, I went against my better judgment and as he slept I grabbed his cell phone to begin searching.  I had no idea what I was looking for, since he changed his number, however I wanted to make sure he wasn’t contacting her.  My heart raced and was pounding out of my chest.  “Oh please God” I prayed, I didn’t want to find anything.  I looked through contacts…nothing there, searched through outgoing and incoming calls…nothing there, onto the text messages…nothing there.  I felt relieved.  As I was about to give up on my search, my finger slipped and I wound up hitting a button that led me to the last numbers text messaged.  I had no idea how I even found it but there it was, in plain view, her cell number. 

My blood boiled and I ran into our bedroom.  I flashed the bright light of the cell phone into his eyes.  He woke up confused and I showed him what I had found.  The anger was so intense I started to hit him with the phone.  He wrestled me to the bed and grabbed the phone from my hand.  I have never felt so out of control in my entire life.  I was crying and shaking.  How could he contact her again?  Now she had his new number and all it proved to me was he didn’t really want to let her go. 

We didn’t speak that night.  In the morning, before I left for work I asked him why he contacted her again.  He said he wanted to make sure she was ok.  The fury intensified and I told him I was ready for our relationship to be over.  He needed to leave.

I spent the entire day at work dealing with his text messaging and his phone calls.  He had called our therapist on his own and told her he wanted to make things right.  He told our therapist that he had no intentions of contacting her anymore, he felt badly for how he treated her but he didn’t want to lose me.  Our therapist wanted us to come in immediately for an emergency therapy session.  For whatever strange reason, I agreed. 

I left work early and met him at our therapist’s office.  I could not look him in his eyes.  I was so afraid if I did, I would feel sad and I didn’t want to be pacified.  To me, anger was a much easier emotion to deal with.  It kept me strong.  As we sat in the office, he started to explain to me why he texted her.  I could hear the desperation in his voice increase as he spoke.  He said he had no plans to continue the affair, he felt bad for leading the other woman on and did not want to hurt anyone. 

The entire therapy session I rolled my eyes.  I felt like his excuses were a lame attempt to justify his inability to end contact with her because in my mind he had feelings for her.  The therapist asked me to give him another chance.  She said she felt his sincerity.  Glad someone did because I wasn’t buying it.  Deep down I knew this was not going to work, although once again I decided to give him another chance.  I had no idea why I said yes. 

I wanted to believe this was the last time I would deal with the other woman.  Was he ready to give her up for good?  I was already on edge and wasn’t sure how much more I could take. 

Jezi 🙂

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