Losing Myself

While I sat at work, I was still infuriated with my fiancé and his inability to let go of the other woman.  The fact that he had to meet me at lunch time to tell her to stop contacting him when he had already promised me it was over, frustrated me and I was sent into an emotional tailspin.  I could feel the anxiety building up again.  I wanted out of the relationship badly by this point but yet something still held me there. 

My fiancé and I continued with our therapy sessions.  Some sessions were good, some were bad but my anger toward him wasn’t fleeting.  I looked at him differently now.  He was a stranger and I no longer viewed him as the man who would never hurt me.  I lost all respect for him.  In therapy one of the promises I had made was that I would not go through his cell phone.  I tried hard not to look but it was very difficult not to.  Rebuilding trust had to start somewhere, so I put forth the effort into repairing our relationship by giving him the benefit of the doubt.

The days went on and the emotional rollercoaster was unstoppable.  On certain days I would be so in love with him and other days I despised him.  One particular night when my love for him was wavering, I went against my better judgment and as he slept I grabbed his cell phone to begin searching.  I had no idea what I was looking for, since he changed his number, however I wanted to make sure he wasn’t contacting her.  My heart raced and was pounding out of my chest.  “Oh please God” I prayed, I didn’t want to find anything.  I looked through contacts…nothing there, searched through outgoing and incoming calls…nothing there, onto the text messages…nothing there.  I felt relieved.  As I was about to give up on my search, my finger slipped and I wound up hitting a button that led me to the last numbers text messaged.  I had no idea how I even found it but there it was, in plain view, her cell number. 

My blood boiled and I ran into our bedroom.  I flashed the bright light of the cell phone into his eyes.  He woke up confused and I showed him what I had found.  The anger was so intense I started to hit him with the phone.  He wrestled me to the bed and grabbed the phone from my hand.  I have never felt so out of control in my entire life.  I was crying and shaking.  How could he contact her again?  Now she had his new number and all it proved to me was he didn’t really want to let her go. 

We didn’t speak that night.  In the morning, before I left for work I asked him why he contacted her again.  He said he wanted to make sure she was ok.  The fury intensified and I told him I was ready for our relationship to be over.  He needed to leave.

I spent the entire day at work dealing with his text messaging and his phone calls.  He had called our therapist on his own and told her he wanted to make things right.  He told our therapist that he had no intentions of contacting her anymore, he felt badly for how he treated her but he didn’t want to lose me.  Our therapist wanted us to come in immediately for an emergency therapy session.  For whatever strange reason, I agreed. 

I left work early and met him at our therapist’s office.  I could not look him in his eyes.  I was so afraid if I did, I would feel sad and I didn’t want to be pacified.  To me, anger was a much easier emotion to deal with.  It kept me strong.  As we sat in the office, he started to explain to me why he texted her.  I could hear the desperation in his voice increase as he spoke.  He said he had no plans to continue the affair, he felt bad for leading the other woman on and did not want to hurt anyone. 

The entire therapy session I rolled my eyes.  I felt like his excuses were a lame attempt to justify his inability to end contact with her because in my mind he had feelings for her.  The therapist asked me to give him another chance.  She said she felt his sincerity.  Glad someone did because I wasn’t buying it.  Deep down I knew this was not going to work, although once again I decided to give him another chance.  I had no idea why I said yes. 

I wanted to believe this was the last time I would deal with the other woman.  Was he ready to give her up for good?  I was already on edge and wasn’t sure how much more I could take. 

Jezi 🙂


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19 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Oh girl, nothing is worse than being betrayed by the one we love…the hurt always remains and the trust wanes. I have been there, and tried for a while too because children were involved, but in the end, i knew my guy was never going to change and let the other woman have him. Karma is a big bitch though, because he cheats on her too….He is her problem now, and i made the right choice for me.

    • Hey hon, yep, that is true. Karma is a bitch. Everyday gets easier and easier. If he hadn’t of changed for the better, I would’ve definitely had no choice but to make a different decision. Of course you always still wonder but he proves to me each and every day why I stayed.

  2. I completely understand all too well about the emotional roller coasters and the heart pounding moments when you check on things. My mom has always told me to “trust your gut” and although “he” says something different a woman’s intuition always comes out on top.

    • Oh absolutely!!! Funny thing is it was like a higher power wanted me to find things out. How crazy that my finger slips and leads me to the evidence. I didn’t even know how I got to that area in the phone. After such a long affair I kind of expected there to be feelings and for them to have trouble letting go of one another but I had always hoped for the best.

  3. Hi- I don’t know your story all that well but i’m wondering why you would continue to stay when he keeps disrespecting you and apparently not appreciating you? You seem like a pretty young woman and deserve to be treated as such. One part of me see’s you trying to be strong but mostly it jsut seems like you don’t want to let go. Anyway, Good luck and I truly hope he changes but if it continues on, quit while you are still young and capable.

    • Hi Marie, thanks for reading. You know I really asked myself that same question for a long time. Why the hell did I stay after he disrespected me so many times? I always just had hoped he would change. I was also so torn because I wanted to give our family a chance. I loved him so much and I think I was a lot weaker than I am today. After all of this I definitely gained the strength I didn’t have back then. My story is far from over but he did wind up changing A LOT and that is why I am happy for my decisions now.

      • Well as long as you’re happy then that’s all that matters. Noone can judge you on your decisions they don’t know what they’d do in your shoes. Good Luck and I hope it works!

      • Aaawww thank you. It’s true, very hard to do when you’re emotionally involved. I never thought I would stay. I always thought if it happened to me, I would leave. But when it happened I didn’t do what I thought I would.

  4. Hi,

    I want to say your honesty is beautiful. I’m sure its therapeutic but it also allows us all to explore our own personal experiences , tangent as they may be, with similar honesty and discover the liberating affects of self-reflection. Be strong, be happy, be well.

    Rita from CB

    • Thank you Rita, that means so much to me. This is exactly why I love sharing my story. I appreciate all your support.

  5. As always wonderfully written… I love how your words flow. I feel the story so real. I know it is but it isn’t just something you are telling you. You are letting us relive it.
    Honest and powerful… I know it must be tough. However you are looking at it, you are mercifully strong!

    • Thanks girl. That means a lot coming from you. It is very difficult to relive the feelings but as long as my story helps another person then I know its a good thing.

  6. Wow-when you write its so real I’m on pins and needles reading! Thank you for keeping up with it-even though assholes use it to harass you.

    • Girl I will never let them stop me. Thank you as always for your support.

  7. My heart is pounding and I have tears reading this because it is EXACTLY what I’ve been going through only I had the pleasure if finding out about his fling on an X rated video on his computer. I can’t even begin to describe how I feel. We are in therapy but it’s almost more confusing – I will never look at him the same – never trust or respect – but NOW he’s being the man I always wanted him to be. I am on a rollercoaster and am practically torturing him because somedays I see the man I fell in love with and some days I see the video and want to rip his throat out. I am checking up on him, I am always accusing him of lying – this is not the person I want to be but I can’t seem to let go. Well thanks for this blog – in some weird way, I feel better knowing it’s not just me.

    • Oh Christine my heart goes out to you. I totally know where you are at emotionally right now. Although I’m sure having visual evidence of the affair is much worse than my imagined intimate moments. The pain is the same. I will say though that in time it does get easier. The memories of the betrayal fade and the trust slowly starts to rebuild. As long as he continues to prove to you That he’s changed, you can get past it. Even though right now you don’t think you can. However, only you know what you can live with and you may decide that you can’t get over it. You will eventually decide which way you want to go. But I am 3 years after the affair and I am no longer on that emotional rollercoaster. Hang in there.

      • Thank you so much the for the encouragement –
        “It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
        — Rose Kennedy

      • That quote is perfect. Reminds me of my blog title…Wounds heal scars remain. Because although the initial pain lessens it changes who you are, it changes who they are and it changes the dynamics of the relationship. However, through it all you can actually strengthen the relationship. And in the process you will grow stronger as well. Just remember, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship and there will always be ups and downs and struggles. Good luck with your healing.

    • Thank you…… I think you’re right – no matter what the outcome, I’ll be stronger for it. Hmmm reminds me of another quote/song:

      Fighter~ Christina Aguilera  

      After all you put me through
      You’d think I’d despise you
      But in the end I wanna thank you
      ‘Cause you made that much stronger

      ‘Cause it
      Makes me that much stronger
      Makes me work a little bit harder
      Makes me that much wiser
      So thanks for making me a fighter

      Made me learn a little bit faster
      Made my skin a little bit thicker
      Makes me that much smarter
      So thanks for making me a fighter

      Yeah, I’ll find my way through 😉

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