Not over yet

I went to sleep that night thinking my fiancé had completely ceased all contact with the woman he chose to have an affair with.  We had spent a great day together and I believed we were headed in the right direction towards healing our relationship.  However, I couldn’t seem to control the constantly shifting of my emotions.  One minute I felt happy; the next sad, then angry.  I didn’t understand why I couldn’t be content with the fact that we were working things out.  Why couldn’t I erase the bad thoughts from my mind so I could love him again?

Our first therapy session was a very intense one.  My fiancé seemed to be open about sharing his feelings; yet I could see him shut down when the therapist would try to get him to open up concerning the affair.  When he was asked why he cheated he could only answer, “I don’t know why”.  It would infuriate me because how could someone not know why they do something knowing the pain it would cause?  If he didn’t know why, what makes me think he wouldn’t do it again?  I left therapy wondering if things were ever going to get better between us.  Even though I had my doubts, I still had a feeling of hope which is something I didn’t have prior to going to the session. 

The weekend came and we decided to go to his cousin’s house.  I tried hard to hide the issues we were dealing with.  They knew what had happened but I didn’t want them to see how unhappy I truly was.  I felt so lost; I was faking my happiness.  My mind still waivered with many doubts and wondered if I could actually get through this.  Did I really want to make this relationship work?  Every time he was out of my sight I questioned whether he was calling her or texting her.  He would go to the store and I would get mad because I thought he was contacting her and lying to me about it.  I could see him trying but he was losing patience with my mood swings.  I was not myself.  I remember I would wait until he would fall asleep and I would go through his phone.  I was looking to see if he was calling or texting her.  Yet I never found evidence that he was. 

We continued going to therapy.  Every other week we had individual sessions and then on the third week we would have our couples counseling sessions.  As time went on, I couldn’t seem to feel any better about our relationship.   I felt just as bad as I had the first day I found out.  When was this going to get easier?  He was doing everything to show me he loved me but I still didn’t trust him.  I would look up websites to try and find support groups.  I needed to know what I was feeling was normal.  I wanted to hear from other people who had been through what I had, stayed and worked through the infidelity.  I was hoping they were able to rebuild their relationship and come out a stronger couple.  I didn’t know if it would help me but perhaps I would feel less alone.

It had been two weeks and I went online to look at his phone bill; I wanted to make sure her number was nowhere to be found.  Unfortunately, it was there, my heart sank and I felt the blood rush to my head.  He was still in contact with her.  It was then I knew getting her out of our lives wasn’t going to be so easy.  I confronted him about it and he had said she was calling him still.  I asked him why he didn’t tell me and he said there was nothing to tell.  She wanted to be with him but he didn’t want to be with her anymore.  He was willing to change his number.  I was conflicted, I wanted to make things work but why couldn’t he just get her out of our lives?  Did he care for her?  Was he still seeing her?  I couldn’t understand how he would jeopardize our relationship again, knowing I would see the phone bill and catch her number there.   Was she worth losing me and our son over?  What did he really want? 

I knew I had to make a decision but why was it so hard?  He promised me the affair was over and he would change his number to prove it.  I just didn’t know anymore if that would be enough. 

The next day he met me for lunch.  He had already changed his number and he was going to call her in front of me to tell her the relationship was over.  It was funny how he was going to be telling her the same thing he swore he had already done 2 weeks prior to this day.  He blocked his number and dialed hers.   I rolled my eyes and made a comment about him having her number memorized.   She did not pick up and so he left her a voicemail saying that he changed his number, not to contact him.  He also told her if she shows up at the gym, he will quit his job, he wanted to be with me, he loved me and we were planning on getting married.  Even though he made that call to her, I was still so angry.  I wound up yelling at him and going back to work.  I was disappointed in myself.  Why couldn’t I walk away from this man?  Would this be the last time?  Was she really out of the picture?  What would I find on next month’s bill?

I had a nagging suspicion that things were going to get more complicated.  And yet, I still hoped I was wrong.

Jezika 🙂

A Second Chance at Happiness

After speaking to my fiance many times that night about us and our now broken relationship, I just didn’t want to think about the affair anymore.  I slept but it wasn’t exactly sound sleep.  You would imagine, since my son was spending the night away, I would be able to sleep late come morning and enjoy it. In reality, I missed my fiance.  I also missed sleeping next to my fiancé. The bed felt empty, my room felt empty, and I felt completely alone.

When I went to pick up my son from his father the next day, my fiance was not happy.  He thought I would stay and we would talk. However, I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of thinking we were going to be ok.  I had a baby shower to attend, where a few of my friends were going to be and I had to pretend there was nothing wrong in my relationship.  Not an easy task, the pain was written all over my face.  But I pulled it off pretty well, no one thought anything was wrong in my life.  I just told them I was tired.  

After I returned home and put my son to sleep, I had time to sit and think about the events of the past couple of days.  The anger was dissipating and the sadness was kicking in.  I was born and raised by a single mother and I am an only child.  I did not know my father’s side of the family and my mother was also an only child. Prior to meeting my fiance, my friends were essentially the only family I had.  When we started dating, I became very close to his family.  His brothers and sister became mine, his cousins became mine, his aunts and uncles became mine, all the kids were just as much my nieces and nephews as they were his.  I even developed a very strong relationship with his other children.  Losing him in my life meant losing my extended family as well. It wasn’t just a matter of ending the relationship with him, but with my entire family as well.

I received a phone call from him while I was contemplating our future.  I told him exactly how I was feeling and he offered to bring the kids over to see me.  I was not ready to see him but we did make plans to take them to the zoo the next day.  After we had our plans set and ended the call, I felt compelled to call him back.  I wanted to know why he hadn’t told me he missed me or loved me since he left.  He told me he held back his feelings because he was afraid I would reject him.  He missed me and loved me more than anything but he feared I didn’t feel the same.  I told him that it didn’t matter if I said it back, but I needed to hear it.  After we hung up, part of me felt excited to see him the next day.  My feelings were so conflicted and I didn’t know when or if I was ever going to feel normal again.

At 1:30 am, I received a phone call from my fiancé.  He told me the other woman had called him. He told her it was over between them.   He went on to tell me she was hurt and upset.  She had thought they were now going to be together.  She was shocked and surprised when he said he wanted to work things out with me.  After he called me to tell me what happened, I left her a message of my own.  Of course I received her voicemail but my message was crystal clear, this is what I said:  “I know you called and spoke to my fiancé.  Well, you have your answer now; he wants to stay with his family.  You are very stupid to think otherwise.  You have been with him for close to 2 years, yet, he still hadn’t left me for you.  I hope you choose to move on and I hope and pray that one day, you will fall in love, have a child with this man, and then find out he’s cheating with a whore just like you.  Goodbye.”  I called my fiancé back and told him that I hope he was being honest with me and to inform me if she attempted to call again.  I also told him I was glad he told me she called.  Right before we ended our conversation he said “I love you”.  I didn’t say it back.  I hung up with him and after a few minutes I called him again and said “I love you too”.  I did love him, but I wasn’t sure if that meant much.  Saying those words certainly didn’t make me feel any better or any more secure with our relationship.  Hopefully, after spending the day with him at the zoo, I would be sure of what I wanted.

The next morning my fiancé called and said he was on his way with the kids.  He asked if he could give me a hug when he saw me.  I told him I would have to see how I felt but I didn’t think I would mind.  The truth is, I didn’t mind.  I was still hurt but I wanted to see him.  I had missed him and felt like, perhaps, this could be a new start for us.  As I came down to see him, I felt the butterflies in my stomach.  It felt like a first date.  As I approached him, I smiled and hugged him.  His arms tightened around me and it was the longest hug I have ever had.  His children looked at us with confusion.  They knew something was strange since they had spent the night at their aunt’s house with their father, instead of our house.  It had been the first time they weren’t with me in 5 years.  We finally released our embrace and went to the zoo.  My fiancé was so attentive and affectionate with me that day.  So much so, I was a bit uncomfortable.  I was happy that finally I was receiving the treatment I had longed for in almost 2 years, but I was still uneasy about being there with him.  He told me that he was sorry he mistreated me for all those years and that he didn’t realize what he had.  I really did enjoy my day with him but in the back of my mind I was thinking about her.  Was he affectionate with her?   Did he kiss her the way he did me?  Was she getting all the attention while I was getting none of it?  I wanted so badly to forget but it was still right there in the forefront of my mind.  He asked if he could come over and I let him even though I knew it was a mistake.  I wasn’t ready for it, I wanted him but I didn’t think I would be able to move past everything he had done and the pain I felt.

All I knew was, I couldn’t wait for counseling.  The only thing I was 100% sure of was that I didn’t want to lose my family.  I was willing to put in the work as long as I knew the other woman was out of the picture.  The unfortunate part was; she wasn’t gone just yet.

Jezika 🙂

An Unwelcomed Homecoming

After my fiancé spent the entire day sitting in jail and wondering what he was going to do now that the affair was out in the open, I couldn’t imagine why he would think it would be okay to come home.  Especially, after I specifically told him not to.  However, there he was standing in the doorway of our room looking down at me and the only words I could think of to say were “you’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”

His face was filled with guilt and sadness, but when I looked at him all I could feel was disgust.  He explained to me that he attempted to go to his sister’s house but she didn’t answer the door.  He told me he just wanted to grab some clothes, shower and he promised to sleep on the couch.  He wreaked of urine and I found myself getting emotional.  I held back the tears because I didn’t want him to think my tears were a sign of weakness.  He went to the bathroom and I decided I wanted to speak with him.  I knocked on the door and opened it.  I asked him why he did this to our family.   He said he didn’t know why.  I shoved his cell phone in his face and said I had no more use for it.  He took his  phone and broke it in two pieces.   Our brief conversation ended there and I went back to the room where our son was peacefully sleeping in our bed.  I had to think of our son before anything else.

I finally fell asleep but I woke up to the sound of my fiancé entering our room.  I kept my eyes closed, I did not want to talk anymore.  I could feel him looking at me and our son sleeping.  I heard him kiss our son and I followed his footsteps with my ears.  He was watching me.  My heart was beating so fast, and once again I was choking back tears.  My mind just kept repeating “please leave, please leave”.  I felt his breath against my face as he kissed my forehead.  I still pretended to be asleep.  As soon as he left the room, I broke down and began to cry.  I tried so hard to be strong and not let my emotions take over, however, I couldn’t hold it in anymore.  I still loved this man and it crushed me knowing we were no longer going to be a family.  I cannot tell you what he was thinking while he watched us sleeping but if I could read his mind, I would bet it was regret.  

My sleep was unsound the entire night.  Racing thoughts awoke me every hour.  Morning came quicker than I expected and I had to get ready for work.  I couldn’t believe I had to go to work and pretend as if my life wasn’t shattered into a million pieces.   I went out into the livingroom and there my fiancé was asleep.  I woke him up and told him to go lay in bed with our son.  I could’ve left him on the couch uncomfortable but a part of me still felt that sadness for him. The same sadness I felt when he smelled of urine and wanted to take a bath.  He asked me if he could take me to work.  He must have been desperate to even attempt to ask me that.  I did not even want him to come home the night before, so why would he think I would want him to take me to work?  I told him yes.  I do not know why I said yes, my mind was in a fog and thought it would give us a chance to talk.

As we stood waiting for the subway to arrive, I would glance at him and disgust would consume me.  I couldn’t even look at him without picturing him with her.  He didn’t even look me in my eyes.  I agreed to him taking me to work but when he actually was, I wished I hadn’t have said yes.  It was the longest train ride and the awkward silence was deadly.  We didn’t speak about anything and when we got to my job all I could say was “I can’t even look at you, you disgust me, all I keep picturing is you with her.”  He once again apologized and asked if he could meet me for lunch.  I told him there was no point to it but he begged me, so I said yes. 

Lunch was just as uncomfortable as the morning train ride.  We sat down for lunch but I couldn’t eat anything.  I had a perpetual lump in my throat since earlier that day and no appetite.  I picked at my pizza but didn’t actual consume any of it.  I asked him when the last time he slept with her was and he told me it was 2 or 3 weeks prior.  I wanted to throw up and still thought it was a lie.  How could I believe anything he would ever tell me again?  We finished up lunch quickly and needed to buy his older son a birthday present.  As we were crossing the street he put his hand back to grab my hand and I pretended as if I didn’t see him reaching out to me.  I understand it was force of habit for him but I did not want him touching me.  I thought if I pretended not to see him do it, that I wouldn’t hurt his feelings by rejecting him.  Isn’t that crazy?  Why should I care about his feelings?  He should feel hurt, he should feel rejected.  It is a constant internal battle.  Do I love him or hate him? 

He walked me back to work and asked me the question of “where do we go from here?”  I told him I thought it would be best if he stayed at his sister’s house for now.  I needed space and time to sort through my fluctuating emotions.  With him around I felt pressured into acting like everything was okay, when it clearly wasn’t.  He agreed to stay away and give me time.  He asked if he could take our son with him to his sister’s and then bring him back later that night.  I said it was fine.  Whatever issues we had, I couldn’t let that affect our son.  He called me at work to let me know he bought a new phone and that I could call him if I wanted to check up on the baby. 

When I went home, I found the house empty.  Only my mother was there.  I had practically been a single parent for the entire 9 months of my son’s life.  My fiancé was off fooling around and I at least had my son to keep me company.  But now, being home without the baby there, I felt so lonely.  I decided to use this time to sit and ponder what my next move was going to be.  My fiancé called and asked if he could keep our son for the entire night and I thought it would be a good idea.  Let him see what it’s like to put him to bed, to wake up with him, to feed him, to care for him.  Maybe then he would appreciate me more. 

My fiancé called me several times that night, using questions regarding our son’s care as an excuse.  “When does he get his last bottle?” “What time does he go to sleep?” “What if he wakes up?”  These were some of the few questions he asked me about.  Then once he had me on the phone he would talk to me about “us”.  I would start off nice then get upset, then get angry, then sad.  Sometimes I would end on a good note and then other times I would hang up on him.  I couldn’t talk anymore, I wanted to just sleep.  I told him I would be picking up our son early in the morning, we had a baby shower to attend and I wanted to bring the baby with me.  

We finally ended our multiple conversations around 1 am and I was able to sleep an uninterrupted sleep for the first time in months.  I was afraid to see what tomorrow held for me.  I prayed I could find the strength to get through it all.  I closed my eyes and drifted off.

Jezika 🙂

Mind Over Matter

As my fiancé sat in jail, I ended the call with him wondering about the future of our relationship.  I thought I knew exactly what I was going to do.  I would end the relationship.  How could I stay with a man who not only cheated on me but also lied to me for a year and a half?  I was never the type of woman who would tolerate being cheated on.  So why was I, all of a sudden, so conflicted?

The next call I received from him was much different than the first.  Instead of him stuttering in shock, he was completely humbled.  At this point in my mind, there was nothing he could have said that would make me understand why he cheated, although he tried very hard to defend his actions.   His words were full of desperation.  He pleaded with me to believe him as he continued to tell me he loved me.  He implored me to find it in my heart to not give up on our family over his mistake.   All I could think of was when exactly his “relationship” with her became his “mistake”.  Was it when he got arrested?  Was it when I dropped the bomb that I was aware of what was going on?  Was it when he realized I wasn’t just going to let him say he was sorry and let him walk back through the door?

Before our conversation went any further, I wanted to know how it began.  I wanted to know why it began.  According to him it started out as friendship.  When their friendship began things at home were a bit stressful.  We were planning our wedding and as we got deeper into the plans, I became more focused on the wedding.  Looking back I would say preparing for the perfect wedding consumed me.  The stress I was experiencing would eventually turn into arguing and the arguments gradually escalated to a point in which that’s all we did.   It was during this time, he turned to her to escape the fighting at home.  This is how his relationship with her grew into something more.  He was explaining this to me, as if the situation at home was a justification for him to turn to her.  When it was clear his explanation was not going to work with me, he scrambled to offer several other excuses.  The more excuses he had, the angrier I got.  One such excuse was that I was not giving him enough attention.   However, my needs were also being neglected.  Does the lack of attention give the right for one to cheat?  Hell no! 

I remained cold and callous in my responses to him.  I couldn’t let him break me.  Even though I attempted to remain strong in my convictions, I still found myself listening to him.  He asked could we seek counseling.  Instead of rejecting the idea, I said yes.  I had no idea what was making me say yes.  I don’t know if it was hearing the man I loved crying or if it was because I didn’t want the other woman “winning”.  She had wanted him so badly and out of spite I wouldn’t let her have him.  I know, I know, it sounds crazy, but in some odd way, in this situation you can’t help feel as if you are competing.  Unless you’ve been in this type of situation, you won’t understand how your mind will twist your thoughts and actions.  By the time I found out our son was already born, so it wasn’t as if I could walk away with a clean slate.  I had to think about our son before I could think about my own feelings.

As we prepared for counseling I made no promises to my fiancé.  I told him that there were no guarantees I would stay with him.  I told him he needed to end it with her first before I would even consider going through with counseling.  I had to make sure she stayed away.  I also made it very clear to him that he had to stay somewhere else for the time being.  I did not want him coming home; I couldn’t bear to see his face.  He called me several times that night, until finally I told him to stop.  He said he liked hearing my voice and I explained to him that I wasn’t here to comfort him.  I had nothing left to say to him and just wanted him to leave me alone.  He did as I asked and left me alone.

My mind was racing and I didn’t know what to do.  I called his cousin to speak with her.  She had known about my suspicions for months.  When I told her about his cheating, she didn’t seem surprised.  Either she knew about it already or because we had talked about it she started to notice his odd behavior.  I didn’t want my friends to know what was going on.  I was embarrassed and since I didn’t really know what I was going to do, I didn’t want them to judge me if I decided to stay with him.  Ironically, I didn’t want them looking at him differently, even though he deserved to be ripped to shreds.  There really wasn’t much his cousin could say to me, however she was able to provide me with the support I needed at that time. 

After my phone call, I put my son to sleep and went through my fiance’s phone bill.  I saw how many times a day he spoke with the other woman.  There were so many calls to her throughout any given day.  He would call me, we would hang up and he would then call her.  I was disgusted and humiliated by what I saw.

From the moment I discovered the affair, I hadn’t allowed myself to cry, nor did I feel like I wanted to.  I was fueled with anger and felt stronger than ever.  I now had the upper hand and I was the one in complete control over the fate of this relationship.  The power had shifted and I was the person who was calling all the shots.  I looked at my son’s beautiful face as he slept and thanked God he was too young to understand what was going on.  But still I questioned whether or not he would feel the difference if his father and I were to split.  Would he adjust to seeing his father every other weekend like his other kids did?  It infuriated me more knowing I was put in a position that would change my son’s life.  Meanwhile, it was my fiance’s selfish actions which altered this relationship.  However, the responsibility was now on me to either stay or go.  Seemed a bit unfair to say the least!

It was 1:30 am and I couldn’t turn off my thoughts, my brain would not shut down.  I kept going through the events of the day and wondering what I was going to do.  I heard a noise and as I looked up at the door to the room, I saw my fiancé looking down at me. 

My blood boiled and raced to my head.  How dare he come home!!!!!!!!

Jezika 🙂